Originally posted
11-20-12.
This is a graphic discussion about sexuality from the point of view of Asperger’s and synesthesia. I’ve been seeing my psychologist for 5 1/2 years (initially to tackle communication problems), and this year I finally cracked on my sex life, thanks to getting back into Lexx. Other hints can be found throughout my writing here and on bluejacky, but for the most part, I’ve never told anyone this stuff. And now it’s public.
It’s gonna get weird with my psychologist, but here we go. Lexx always brings out the weird with people, and I may as well splat my brains on him. I know a huge part of psychological health is one’s sexuality, and he’s lately been trying to get me to talk about mine. This kind of stuff will wind up in my bio if I ever write it.
Between the asperger’s and synesthesia, I’m like a bowerbird. I’m not turned on or titillated by anything humans do, say, wear, etc, or very rarely if I am, it usually has nothing to do with what other people think of as sexual. Bowerbirds are funny things. The male has to work very hard constructing an artwork of structure and color, and if the female likes it, he gets to mate. This structure has nothing to do with building a nest or getting food, seems like a huge waste of time, and the male rarely helps the female with the kids after copulation, so it’s a twisted scene of the male pimping his place out with stimulating visuals that the female somehow responds to just by looking at it.
That’s me. All it takes is walking into a building and seeing a certain pattern, a certain arrangement of colors, certain lighting, I’m *ready*. There might not be another human in sight, nothing at all sexual about the decor, but it works for ~me~. I am mesmerized by colors, lighting, patterns…. I could be in a car looking out a window at the sky and trees and suddenly there it is, that spontaneous compulsion to be swept up and taken by the gods. I’ve often wondered if some of the ancient gods of earth and sky were dreamed up in an aspie mind that was overwhelmed and took it far too literally.
So I realized, as I was going back over my “Dare” Lexx Sex Survey post on bluejacky for typos and coding mistakes before I made it public, that *none* of it turned me on. At all. Never has, not even years ago. Except one shot. Stan wired up in all that electronic stuff, I could get off on thinking about being wired up like that because I’m weird. And it sure wouldn’t take me that long.
One thing I’ve been trying to get across to psyche guy is that growing up with stim compulsions and spontaneous orgasms (my nervous system is screwed) is nothing like masturbation. Sex is usually a conscious decision thing, even when it begins with a flood of hormones. Sex of any kind is like a day at the beach in its variety of things to see and do. Spontaneous orgasms are like being caught in a sudden undertow, unintentional and overwhelming, somewhat terrifying in public. I’ve been having those since I was at least 4 years old, or earlier. Kindergarten and first grade were nightmares. Holidays in my 20′s were nightmares. Being at work sometimes was a nightmare. If all it takes is colors, lighting, and patterns to set off sudden waves of unstoppable unacceptable taboo in public, then my life is a nightmare of sensation. Got a little scary driving, too.
I have never been able to duplicate that with another human. I am repulsed by the mere thought of being touched anyway. Even if something about another human could possibly turn me on, is that a good thing? Look at all the fans around the world who become obsessed with actors and musicians, so obsessed that they’ll spend large amounts of money to obtain clothing worn by those people or to travel great distances to be near them, to touch them and smell them in person. Can you imagine a person compulsed with spontaneous orgasms having an obsession with another person? I don’t know if that’s how rapes and sometimes murders happen, but I know it’s not a cute thing for me to think about.
So psyche guy is finally getting somewhere with my take on sexuality, thanx to Lexx. None of it turns me on, and he calls me the porn queen of Lexx, unphased with what I’m doing to the fans. (Years ago, my most wildly popular post was called ‘Tied Up’.) I know it’s unimaginable for him that entire Lexx sex survey post isn’t much different from any other action sequences I see in sci-fi shows, except in content. I know it’s unimaginable to fans that I would actually love the show so much without one whisper of sexual stimulation in my brain after all the work put into that by the creators and actors. I was never sold on the sex of Lexx. It’s just simply a brilliant show, regardless, and the irony and sadness embedded into all the sexual innuendo is part of that brilliance, because that is really real life for a lot of people. Our sex lives are ironic and sad. The human condition is absurd. And I will be exploring all of that in detail.
