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Thursday, March 17, 2016

get sexxy

Way back in 2012, I hinted in a post called Lexx and psychological health, perhaps that I would be going into more detail. I've also talked about how I feel about the Zev/Xev character in Why Lexx Is Personal.

Guys, my psychologist waited 8 years for me to break open on this. He cannot see how in the world Lexx, a very suggestive show, doesn't affect me sexually. Let's reword that. Doesn't turn me on. I've tried to explain in other places how it all works for me, because I'm a weirdo, but it's taken years for me to find the words that can communicate what's really going on with me, because Lexx obviously hits every button I've got, right? I'm just not in love with the characters or actors or following the show or anyone in it out of infatuation. If anything, it's like I'm brain locked onto the absurdity and sadness behind it all, which I think most of us feel and probably identify with.

Sex is something different to everyone. I vehemently rejected being identified as girly growing up, and I wouldn't be caught dead in anything pink or frilly. (Yes, that's funny now, says Pinky...) I felt all the usual stuff, but I knew by 11 that I didn't feel female, but neither did I necessarily fight to be male. I opted to identify as neither, and developed an androgynous identity without even thinking about it. By high school I was clearly asexual, never went out, never made out, and never cared. I've never felt rejected or unloved, because I never craved that kind of attention. Oh, I had hormones coming out my ears, they just didn't connect in my brain to a behavior, so I never developed objects of interest or significant others (at least in high school). I figured out very quickly that crushes were temporary chemical compulsions, and that they meant nothing to me in the scheme of things. My self identity never relied on my emotions about them, because I didn't have emotions about them. I know that's hard to believe.

Ultimately, when I look around, sex is a tool, a weapon, an illusion of power or helplessness. This is aptly demonstrated by Xev showing Prince she could give him the key and withholding it from him. Relationships are games, and games have objectives. These objectives bring up opportunities to lie and bedazzle and cruelly torment, all in the name of love. We see this aptly demonstrated through May enticing Stanley after years of his own self torment over losing Lyekka, which was likely his fault. Sex also boils down to programming, which we see aptly demonstrated in 790. We also see a sexless character in the form of His Divine Shadow, and an asexual character in the form of Gigerotta (pretty sure I make that case in It's Good to be Queen- Giggerota, Part Three), along with a variety of orientations throughout the series. On top of all these characters, the one who truly stands out is Kai, because he is a sexual conundrum to everyone around him, including himself.

I could go into a long-winded boring thing about love and sex aren't the same thing, nature vs nurture (anyone on twitter sees all kinds of interspecies animal sex, so that argument is clearly invalid), and conscious decisions to commit to love in a sexual relationship, or I could skip all that and get right to the weird stuff. Frogs. I cannot stop laughing when I think about frog sex. Also, human trafficking. I've known real people caught up in that world, and it's very depressing to think about. Sexuality is its own thing, using or belittling other people's sexuality is another. Lexx has gobs of both from every angle, and coolest thing about it is they go there without blinking. They don't sit around explaining their feels to the viewers or psychologically assessing their situations. They are absolutely stuck with who they are from a terrible regime of slavery, and we get to watch them figure out for themselves the rights and wrongs of love and sex.

One of my favorites is Bunny. She's the queen on Prince's chess board, the most sexual person in the entire series, but deeply committed to the one man she loves in a wonderfully psychotic way. The funnest part is how easily everyone lets Bunny off the hook. She's so innocent, right? I just laugh at everyone who sticks up for that. She was going to kill her own friends and mother for sex. Think about it.

There are so many antithetical characters- Xev and Bunny, Prince and Kai, His Divine Shadow and Gigerotta, Stanley Tweedle and 790, Mantrid and Brizon, and sexuality is a huge part of who these people are. Xev was created by society, Bunny was not. Prince uses people, Kai is used. His Shadow is trying to salvage an extinct species, Gigerotta wants everything dead. Stanley wants love, 790 owns love. Mantrid is sexually stripped, Brizon is sexually parasitical. Everything we see in Lexx is about defining sex as either love (addiction included) or power.

My aspie childhood in a rigid belief system on a farm meant the only sex I ever knew happened was out in the field by animals. We just never talked about it. After high school, my sex life is a mess because I tried to be normal like everyone else and copy what they were doing, and it all started with everyone gets married. I was a virgin when I married a pedophile (let's just call rape for what it is, shall we?), was raped twice by people I trusted after the divorce (thank you, alcohol), was escorted to an abortion clinic by a nice man from a churchy family where I was tied down and had a baby ripped out despite protest (very confused about love by then), and gave up even trying to understand after that (and those are the nice stories). Thank goodness Scott happened and we've been married 23 years now. My two fondest sex memories are the cupcake story (my most viewed aspie post ever) and the time I laughed so hard about frogs that I ruined everything.

I was raised in a box by people who couldn't think outside the box. I'm neurologically atypical, and I don't fit into typical expectations. One thing I heard a lot was "You're too smart for any man to want to marry." That lends to loads of questions why. I grew up in a gender based power structure without identifying as a gender, and because of that, I was able to step outside the box and ask the questions. Because I lacked the criteria necessary for me to feel compelled by peer pressure (I'm a little narcisssistic), I've been able to look around and see how unaware that people around me are about being squished into societal norms. I was naturally inspired into a sociology degree, heavily laced with psychology, political science, world religious history, and ethics, and I gravitate to philosophies of all kinds. (Imagine how thrilled I was to find out my first internet nickname was more than a funny guy on a commercial, it's also a very famous paradox.)

Everything is sex to me. Freud pretty much started the whole thing, and you can take it as far as you want- everything we do in life is a sexual experience because we are born sexual beings. You can't separate sex from enjoying an ice cream cone any more than you can separate light from from getting a tan. Our nervous systems and the chemicals sloshing all over them are continually monitoring and sending signals, whether we are conscious of it or not, and while I wonder why everyone around me thinks about relationships and their emotions all day long, my brain is busy working on filling in the holes in social mapping. I was born deficit in that respect, and pretty much grew up seeing people as either acceptable or stupid, never felt close to my parents, and missed all the little things that drive people to "know thyself". We know ourselves in relation to the networks we interact with. I barely interacted.

I am coming to know myself. I discovered in 2008 that two words seem to fit me pretty well, so I simply say I'm pangender asexual. I'm not sure there's any other category I fit into. Because I am so free of gender in my own mind, I am free to think very deeply about the human condition and how people survive their local existences in time and space. I'm able to question authority and society without emotional motivation, and I'm able to research and learn other points of view without challenging the walls of my own box.

Psychological health is dependent in part on one's sexual health, and in my opinion, people are far too worried about their sex lives. I've been privately contacted so many times about sex issues, what do I think of them. If you aren't raping (and possibly killing) another being, you're probably fine. This includes sadomasochism, unless you are dragging around in ragged shreds because you like it so rough (or someone got carried away). My personal opinion on any kind of self harm and self flagellation (including anorexia) is that the psychological roots of something need to be addressed, so if you're questioning your sex life, there's probably something deeper you're really needing to address and it's not really about 'sex' at all. It's about being validated as a person, having dignity as a human being, escaping bad places and people that hurt you, finding your own path to wellness, health, and happiness. Part of healing is openly talking about our stuff.

We can learn all these things from Lexx.

This is my pre-appointment warm up. I usually do this kind of blogging on Pinky blog, but since I promised psyche guy we're really going there this time, I needed to get some words organized. I don't speak nearly so well with my mouth as I do with my fingers. There will be a lot more in session, of course, loads of personal stuff, but it'll still circle around to a chess board, and there's one of those in Lexx, too. How do I see sex? Power. Head games. You're either owning the game or lost in one.



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